The Miracle of Letting Go

If you have been following my story, you are aware of my fertility journey. 2 years ago, I never ever imagined I would be on this journey - because I never thought it would ever be a journey. Although in my mid thirties, I was healthy, I ate right and was always active. Same for my husband. I've never had any medical concerns and always had a regular cycle. I thought once we decided to start trying to conceive, it would happen easily. I just never imagined being here.
After 3 miscarriages, my biological clock was no longer ticking, but now screaming. I wont lie I was in panic mode. Never had I imagined my life without kids - I couldn't imagine it. But circumstance was forcing me to. But no matter how much I tried I just couldn't. No matter what my reality was I could not imagine my life without kids.
Because this was not going to be my outcome.
So I had to move on. I had to let go.

Life has thrown me some curve balls along the way, but accepting that I would not have children of my own was certainly one of the most challenging. For 35 years I pictured my life a certain way but  now was told to see it differently. I still knew I would be a mom no matter what, but letting go of ever being able to experience being pregnant, ever experiencing the magic of child birth or breastfeeding and all the other breathtaking moments women get to experience when having a baby, I had to accept would most likely never happen. That was hard.

But I learned to get excited about adoption. Adopting a child made me feel like a good person. Like I was doing something great and I was proud. Everything about adoption made sense to me. And once we had our preliminary interview, adoption no longer felt scary. Many think adopting through the Children's Aide Society means you are getting an older, broken child that will just bring a slew of complicated challenges. But what we learned is this is far from the truth. Very healthy, young children are in need of parents too through the CAS. I started to get really excited about adoption. And by the looks of it, we were likely going to have a child as early as the fall of 2015!

But then I found out I was pregnant. Again.

Excuse me for not jumping for joy.  Not the reaction most woman have when they find out they're expecting, I know, but I've been down this road too many times before and knew not to get my hopes up. I couldn't get my hopes up because I could not risk having them stomped and squished to the ground for a fourth time. I was not going to let that happen.

So unlike the other times, I did not call my doctor, I did not tell the fertility clinic (it had been months since I had seen them anyway) and did not want any ultrasounds. I only called my midwife, one I had met for my last pregnancy, and scheduled an appointment like any other woman without any previous history would. I was scheduled to meet with her at 10 weeks. Now all I had to do was forget about it. I'm being serious. Everyday I tried to not even think about being pregnant and just focus on the adoption. Of course, I was taking my prenatals, my folic acid, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, and eating well. But other than that, I would try everyday to not think about being pregnant. It was not easy. But every time an excited, hopeful thought came into my mind, I would push it away. Adoption saved me. The only way I could carry on this train of thought was the fact that I, no matter how it happened, would be a mom in 2015. I saw it as a win-win situation.

Before we proceeded with the adoption parenting program (the next step) we told our adoption worker our news. It was bittersweet because we knew this meant closing our application and putting it on the back burner. A policy at the CAS is you can only apply for adoption 18 months after bearing any children. Although I was past 12 weeks, we reluctantly closed our application and now turned our focus to the baby growing in my belly.

I am now almost 16 weeks pregnant and sporting quite the baby bump. I had an ultrasound as well as another midwife appointment that showed a very healthy baby with a very strong heartbeat.

And although I am still a bit afraid to say it, it is looking as though our baby is here to stay this time. Although delayed, the jumps for joy are happening.