Three Times...Not A Charm:(

I fantasized a long time about writing this post.  For months actually. You know when you have big news, like really BIG news? How much deep thought is put into how you want to announce this big news. You recite how you will say it. Strategically placing your words to where they will make the most impact. Maybe even including some visuals just to increase the drama. But most importantly, you think about the reaction. The messages and phone calls from your loved ones congratulating you on your big news. Big news you want so badly to share with the world. 

That post will once again have to wait.

Last week I miscarried for my third time.

If you read my last blog, ‘My Last Hours of 34’, you are some what updated on my journey to parenthood – or lack thereof.  And what a journey it has been thus far. I wrote about the options I am left with, IVF or adoption, because doctors claim I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own. Not very promising. Well shortly after my post, Steve and I decided to go through with IVF. A very hard decision to make. This meant borrowing up to $15,000 from Steve’s father. And although Bernie is happy to help out, I’ ve always had issues with accepting money from others, especially for something that is no guarantee. But this seemed to be the best chance to get our baby we have been longing for for so long. We told our fertility doctor our decision and were waiting for my cycle to start so we could begin fertility drugs.

We waited, but my period never came.

I was pregnant!

Steve and I couldn’t believe it! When the faint pink stripe appeared on the stick, both of us had to look again. I mean literally - I did a second test a few days later because we really couldn’t believe it. But yup, the second test confirmed I was pregnant!

Can you believe this story? After trying for 1.5 years, 2 miscarriages and finally giving into the reality that we needed help, weeks away from handing over $15,000, our baby finally comes. And the craziest thing – I was due February 14, the exact same due date as my first pregnancy! Another story I fantasized about telling to the world!

However, we were cautiously optomistic. We had to be. We only told immediate family and close friends, and fought to focus only on the present. Because of my history, I was put on progestorone suppositories and closely monitored. At just 6.5 weeks I was given my first ultrasound. The techinician did her thing quietly while I stared at the ceiling and Steve checked his email. But then she did something I had never experienced before. She turned the screen towards us and showed us our baby’s heart beating right through its tiny translucent chest! It was growing exactly how it should and the heart beat was strong. Tears flowed and cautious optimism flew out the window. Our baby was finally here. This was it!

I spent my evenings looking at baby room décor on Pinterest and Steve and I would fall asleep discussing baby names. My ultrasound at 7.5 weeks just heightened everything even more. But this time she was actually starting to look like a baby. Everything was right on track and looking exactly how it should. I met with my mid-wife at the same clinic I registerd with twice before. But even this visit felt different. I started to take belly shots because I actually had a slight bump. Although my baby was the size of a blueberry, my uterus had doubled in size. Never before had I looked at my protruding tummy with such excitement and admiration. I couldn’t wait for it to get bigger and bigger!

On the morning of my 3^rd ultrasound at the fertility clinic, my doctor said this would be my last as they would then pass me off permanently to my mid-wife from there on. How exciting! Steve & I practically skipped into the room. As the tech did her thing, I anxioulsly waited for her to tell us when we could look at the screen and see how much bigger she was. Instead my doctor unexpectedly came into the room. This was new. Her and the tech whispered amongst themselves and my doc examined the print out under the light.  The tech removed the ultrasound rod and I knew something was up. I hesitated but finally asked if everything was ok.

‘Unfortunately not’ was the last thing I heard.

I remember it like the back of my hand how I felt when mom told me the shocking news of my fathers death. Or the feeling I had when I was told about Frankie’s suicide. I don’t think I could ever forget. And many of you may not believe me but this feeling was similar.

A million thoughts run through your mind in the seconds following the devasting news of a loved ones passing. But the feeling that lingers is the feeling of fear. Utter and complete fear of not being able to carry on. In each experience, I honestly thought for a short while that I was done. I could not carry on.  And even though Mom’s death was expected, this same thought lingered just the same. How do you suddenly live your life without someone who has been there since the day you were born?

Although I had not yet met my baby, I already could not picture my life without her. So how do I carry on? How do I carry on living my life without him in it when Ive already made so much room in my heart for him? How do I get through this once again?

And the fun didn’t stop there. I once again needed a D&C since I did not miscarry naturally. But because I could not get the procedure done before Monday I had to carry on with my dead baby inside for 3 days. Incase I did end up miscarrying on my own before Monday, I was given a plastic cup to try to ‘catch’ the reminisce and bring it in for testing. Thankfully that did not happen.

I don’t know how, but that feeling of complete and utter defeat does pass. It has tried to make cameos along the way but luckily without much success.  Yes, I have seen death. Far too many times actually. But it was never me who died. Sometimes I felt a part of me did but I pick up those pieces, as shattered as they may be, because that’s what you do. Not just me, everyone. Whether you like it or not, life does not stop. But there is beauty in this.  As scary as not knowing what lies ahead, its also exciting if you remember that there is still plenty of beauty and happiness left in this world.

Life without kids for Steve and I is not an option. And because I know deep down in side I will one day, some way, some how, be a mom, the sun still manages to shine through those dark clouds.