Thankful for Rowan

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'nough said

I hear much about this love that a mother experiences for her children. Supposedly there is no grander love in existence. Nothing that comes even close in comparison. It is larger than any of history’s most romantic star-crossed lovers. I have yet to experience this grand love. It actually frightens me terribly, the thought of a love so strong. It frightens me because right now I am experiencing love that is bigger than me, I can’t imagine something bigger.  A love that is so powerful, my heart feels squished inside my rib cage as I am convinced it has increased in size. All this love is not even for a child of my own however, it the closest I have to it. This is the love of an aunt.

 As it is Thanksgiving, I thought it appropriate to write this ‘love ‘ post in dedication to the ‘little’ person I am most thankful for right now. I am writing this on the bus heading back home to Toronto. I am returning from a beautiful few days in Montreal with my family for Rowan’s first Thanksgiving. This trip was my first time back since June! Normally this wouldn’t be such a big deal but when my nephew has only been on this planet for 8 months, that means I missed more than a third of his life!!  This upsets me so much.  My brother and I, as well as my aunt, uncle and cousins are strong and pick up where ever we last left off, no matter how much time has past. But a baby this young can forget about someone. It’s a fact. It makes me so sad at the thought that he may have forgotten me. But, whether he did forget me since our last visit, I know that each visit is an opportunity to I lay a deeper foundation, a foundation for our love to grow on.

I may or may not have bought him that t-shirt:)

I arrived late Saturday night and Rowan happened to have woken up just then. I couldn’t contain myself and let out a screech upon seeing him (the really loud ones my friends & family are well too familiar with - right guys?:). Well that didn’t go so well. He immediately started crying and continued this every time he saw me. My heart broke. He had forgotten me.

It must have been about 4 am when he woke the next time. I instantly sprung up out of my deep sleep and raced through the dark to his cries. I did this to make sure my sister-in-law didn’t have to, but also because I couldn’t miss any opportunity to fix the cracks and empty spaces I caused between us. I poked my head around the corner, waiting to see whether my presence would upset Rowan more or would it be welcomed. He stared at me. He didn’t cry. So I carefully approached, watching his every expression in the little light that shined from the nursery rhyme toy in his crib. He kept staring. Then I made my move. I reached for him and picked him up -  and he let me. He stared at me in full curiosity. I melted. I brought him to the chair and rocked him softly. Instead of relaxing, he continued to examine every bit of my face. I melted more. After a little while, he finally laid his head on my chest but on an angle that he could still stare up at me, as if trying to figure out who this person was holding him. That’s it. I was done!

I managed to put him back in his crib and rubbed his back until he fell back asleep. I quietly crawled back in my bed and stared up at the ceiling and smiled. Something bigger than me appeared in that moment and changed my life forever. 

The rest of the weekend was filled with heaps of cuddles, 4 teeth dimply smiles, story time and pre-bedtime massages, beat-box feedings as well as infectious giggles. We bonded big time!! However, the best moments were from the looks he gave me. The looks after he woke up from a nap or when I came back from being somewhere else. These were the looks I was hoping for all weekend. These were the looks of recognition and familiarity.