The Miracle of Letting Go

If you have been following my story, you are aware of my fertility journey. 2 years ago, I never ever imagined I would be on this journey - because I never thought it would ever be a journey. Although in my mid thirties, I was healthy, I ate right and was always active. Same for my husband. I've never had any medical concerns and always had a regular cycle. I thought once we decided to start trying to conceive, it would happen easily. I just never imagined being here.
After 3 miscarriages, my biological clock was no longer ticking, but now screaming. I wont lie I was in panic mode. Never had I imagined my life without kids - I couldn't imagine it. But circumstance was forcing me to. But no matter how much I tried I just couldn't. No matter what my reality was I could not imagine my life without kids.
Because this was not going to be my outcome.
So I had to move on. I had to let go.

Life has thrown me some curve balls along the way, but accepting that I would not have children of my own was certainly one of the most challenging. For 35 years I pictured my life a certain way but  now was told to see it differently. I still knew I would be a mom no matter what, but letting go of ever being able to experience being pregnant, ever experiencing the magic of child birth or breastfeeding and all the other breathtaking moments women get to experience when having a baby, I had to accept would most likely never happen. That was hard.

But I learned to get excited about adoption. Adopting a child made me feel like a good person. Like I was doing something great and I was proud. Everything about adoption made sense to me. And once we had our preliminary interview, adoption no longer felt scary. Many think adopting through the Children's Aide Society means you are getting an older, broken child that will just bring a slew of complicated challenges. But what we learned is this is far from the truth. Very healthy, young children are in need of parents too through the CAS. I started to get really excited about adoption. And by the looks of it, we were likely going to have a child as early as the fall of 2015!

But then I found out I was pregnant. Again.

Excuse me for not jumping for joy.  Not the reaction most woman have when they find out they're expecting, I know, but I've been down this road too many times before and knew not to get my hopes up. I couldn't get my hopes up because I could not risk having them stomped and squished to the ground for a fourth time. I was not going to let that happen.

So unlike the other times, I did not call my doctor, I did not tell the fertility clinic (it had been months since I had seen them anyway) and did not want any ultrasounds. I only called my midwife, one I had met for my last pregnancy, and scheduled an appointment like any other woman without any previous history would. I was scheduled to meet with her at 10 weeks. Now all I had to do was forget about it. I'm being serious. Everyday I tried to not even think about being pregnant and just focus on the adoption. Of course, I was taking my prenatals, my folic acid, avoiding caffeine and alcohol, and eating well. But other than that, I would try everyday to not think about being pregnant. It was not easy. But every time an excited, hopeful thought came into my mind, I would push it away. Adoption saved me. The only way I could carry on this train of thought was the fact that I, no matter how it happened, would be a mom in 2015. I saw it as a win-win situation.

Before we proceeded with the adoption parenting program (the next step) we told our adoption worker our news. It was bittersweet because we knew this meant closing our application and putting it on the back burner. A policy at the CAS is you can only apply for adoption 18 months after bearing any children. Although I was past 12 weeks, we reluctantly closed our application and now turned our focus to the baby growing in my belly.

I am now almost 16 weeks pregnant and sporting quite the baby bump. I had an ultrasound as well as another midwife appointment that showed a very healthy baby with a very strong heartbeat.

And although I am still a bit afraid to say it, it is looking as though our baby is here to stay this time. Although delayed, the jumps for joy are happening.

Fabulous February - Sleep it Off!

So how did January's Marvelous Me Challenge go? I bet it was much more challenging than you originally thought. I've already done this challenge before and I still found it difficult. I would say I achieved my goal of 2-2.5L/day most days, however there were a few days I was short. I found one way to help me with my goal was to limit my intake of anything dehydrating (coffee, alcohol). Being that its the middle of winter, the worst month for my skin, I was constantly reminded to drink more water because my skin was so dry and itchy. The days that I drank sufficient amounts of water, my skin looked smoother and fuller. My sinuses were clearer and I even felt less hungry. What were some of the changes you experienced with this months challenge?

So its not February and we are on to our next challenge - more sleep. This was probably my most difficult challenge last year, yet my most rewarding. Everything improved when I had more sleep. We are aiming for a minimum of 8 hours of sleep/night. Yikes, I know. But I promise that you plan to get done tonight, will still be there tomorrow. So with that, I am packing it in and calling it a night. I need my zzzzz's!!!

Here is an interesting article on the importance of quality of sleep, not just quantity.

Sleep: Not only How Much, but When?

I was chatting with my client the other day about his sleep patterns. He claimed he gets enough , between 7-8 hours per night, but couldn’t understand why he often felt unrested.  So I asked him at what time did he sleep. He is a real night hawk, and often likes to work at night. He claimed it was quite common for him to be up until 4am and sleep until about 11. 

Aha!! That is why he felt unrested!!

Much of the focus is on the amount of sleep one gets and not on the time of day/night that they are sleeping. The time of day is actually a very important factor when it comes to the quality of sleep one gets.  As soon as we open ours eyes in the morning, light stimulates our serotonin production by suppressing the production of melatonin, the neurotransmitter needed for sleep. The best thing one can do when one wakes is go to a sunny window and get a full face of natural sunlight. No need for your cup of Joe after that!! However, this can be counterproductive when you are trying to sleep.

The best hours for sleep are from 8pm-7am, because those are the darkest hours. Even if asleep, exposure to light can inhibit your melatonin production, affecting your sleep. If one sleeps much while the sun is up and has thin window coverings, light is seeping in inhibiting one to experience that deep sleep that is ideal. It is said that even the light from an alarm clock can affect one’s melatonin production by stimulating serotonin. This is what was happening with my client. Although he was sleeping enough, half the hours he slept (7am-11am) the sunlight was coming through his thin drapes preventing his from experiencing a deep, healthy sleep.

Many of you following ‘The Marvelous Me Project’ have claimed that getting 8 hours of sleep has been a real challenge this month. Although, it may be a work in progress as we move into our next month’s challenge, focus on getting to bed at a decent time. Investing in some thick, dark drapes or one of those eye masks is also well worth it.  Even if you’re up at the crack of dawn and only able to achieve 6 hours of zzz’s, just make sure they’re good ones!