I fantasized a long time about writing this post. For months actually. You know when you have big
news, like really BIG news? How much deep thought is put into how you want to announce
this big news. You recite how you will say it. Strategically placing your words
to where they will make the most impact. Maybe even including some visuals just
to increase the drama. But most importantly, you think about the reaction. The
messages and phone calls from your loved ones congratulating you on your big
news. Big news you want so badly to share with the world.
That post will once again have to wait.
Last week I miscarried for my third time.
If you read my last blog, ‘My Last Hours of 34’, you are
some what updated on my journey to parenthood – or lack thereof. And what a journey it has been thus far. I
wrote about the options I am left with, IVF or adoption, because doctors claim
I have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on my own. Not very promising. Well
shortly after my post, Steve and I decided to go through with IVF. A very hard
decision to make. This meant borrowing up to $15,000 from Steve’s father. And
although Bernie is happy to help out, I’ ve always had issues with accepting
money from others, especially for something that is no guarantee. But this seemed to be the best chance to get our baby we
have been longing for for so long. We told our fertility doctor our decision
and were waiting for my cycle to start so we could begin fertility drugs.
We waited, but my period never came.
I was pregnant!
Steve and I couldn’t believe it! When the faint pink stripe
appeared on the stick, both of us had to look again. I mean literally - I did a
second test a few days later because we really couldn’t believe it. But yup,
the second test confirmed I was pregnant!
Can you believe this story? After trying for 1.5 years, 2
miscarriages and finally giving into the reality that we needed help, weeks
away from handing over $15,000, our baby finally comes. And the craziest thing
– I was due February 14, the exact same due date as my first pregnancy! Another
story I fantasized about telling to the world!
However, we were cautiously optomistic. We had to be. We
only told immediate family and close friends, and fought to focus only on the
present. Because of my history, I was put on progestorone suppositories and closely
monitored. At just 6.5 weeks I was given my first ultrasound. The techinician
did her thing quietly while I stared at the ceiling and Steve checked his
email. But then she did something I had never experienced before. She turned
the screen towards us and showed us our baby’s heart beating right through its
tiny translucent chest! It was growing exactly how it should and the heart beat
was strong. Tears flowed and cautious optimism flew out the window. Our baby
was finally here. This was it!
I spent my evenings looking at baby room décor on Pinterest
and Steve and I would fall asleep discussing baby names. My ultrasound at 7.5
weeks just heightened everything even more. But this time she was actually
starting to look like a baby. Everything was right on track and looking exactly
how it should. I met with my mid-wife at the same clinic I registerd with twice
before. But even this visit felt different. I started to take belly shots
because I actually had a slight bump. Although my baby was the size of a
blueberry, my uterus had doubled in size. Never before had I looked at my
protruding tummy with such excitement and admiration. I couldn’t wait for it to
get bigger and bigger!
On the morning of my 3rd ultrasound at the
fertility clinic, my doctor said this would be my last as they would then pass
me off permanently to my mid-wife from there on. How exciting! Steve & I
practically skipped into the room. As the tech did her thing, I anxioulsly
waited for her to tell us when we could look at the screen and see how much
bigger she was. Instead my doctor unexpectedly came into the room. This was
new. Her and the tech whispered amongst themselves and my doc examined the
print out under the light. The tech
removed the ultrasound rod and I knew something was up. I hesitated but finally
asked if everything was ok.
‘Unfortunately not’ was the last thing I heard.
I remember it like the back of my hand how I felt when mom
told me the shocking news of my fathers death. Or the feeling I had when I was
told about Frankie’s suicide. I don’t think I could ever forget. And many of you
may not believe me but this feeling was similar.
A million thoughts run through your mind in the seconds
following the devasting news of a loved ones passing. But the feeling that
lingers is the feeling of fear. Utter and complete fear of not being able to
carry on. In each experience, I honestly thought for a short while that I was done. I could not
carry on. And even though Mom’s death
was expected, this same thought lingered just the same. How do you suddenly
live your life without someone who has been there since the day you were born?
Although I had not yet met my baby, I already could not picture
my life without her. So how do I carry on? How do I carry on living my life
without him in it when Ive already made so much room in my heart for him? How
do I get through this once again?
And the fun didn’t stop there. I once again needed a D&C since I did not miscarry naturally. But because I could not get the procedure done
before Monday I had to carry on with my dead baby inside for 3 days. Incase I did end up
miscarrying on my own before Monday, I was given a plastic cup to try to
‘catch’ the reminisce and bring it in for testing. Thankfully that did not happen.
I don’t know how, but that feeling of complete and utter
defeat does pass. It has tried to make cameos along the way but luckily without
much success. Yes, I have seen death. Far too many times actually. But
it was never me who died. Sometimes I felt a part of me did but I pick up those
pieces, as shattered as they may be, because that’s what you do. Not just me,
everyone. Whether you like it or not, life does not stop. But there is beauty in this. As scary as not knowing what lies ahead, its also exciting if
you remember that there is still plenty of beauty and happiness left in this world.
Life without kids for Steve and I is not an option. And
because I know deep down in side I will one day, some way, some how, be a mom, the sun still manages to shine through those dark clouds.
