In less than an hour I will be 35 years old.
The last few years, birthday's have been less and less about the celebration and more about reflection. And with all that has happened this week, I can't help but to ask myself, 'Is this where I thought I'd be?'
To clarify, I have no regrets. I don't even like that word existing in my vocabulary. I really have none. That doesn't mean I am proud of every decision I have made in my life or would make the same choice if given a second chance. What it means is that I would not change a thing, for every decision I have made, good or bad, has made me the person I am today. I have fully accepted that with every decision, good or bad, I have come out of it a better person, even if having had to learn the hard way. I am a strong believer that every thing happens for a reason. Yes, maybe its a cop-out to better accept all the things that are unexplainable. But the alternative, to be bitter and resentful about how things turned out, is just unacceptable.
I love my life.
Although small, I have the most supportive family anyone could ask for. I have friends that make me laugh so hard it hurts. I am the proud aunty of the cutest little 2 year old in the whole world. And most of all, I am one of the lucky few that has found my soul mate. A man who loves me unconditionally.
I love my life.
So the week leading up to my 35th birthday started with a visit to the fertility clinic. After a year and a half of trying and 2 miscarriages this was our second fertility clinic visit as we were seeking a second opinion. In November, I was told my chances to conceive naturally are unlikely. IVF is our most hopeful option. Was I hoping this second opinion would tell me something different? Of course. But they didn't. However, they did in the kindest most professional, compassionate way possible explain why this was the case. And I guess most importantly, they helped me accept the fact that getting pregnant will come at a great cost - emotionally and financially.
Today, on the last day as a 34 year old, I inquired about adoption. I have always been pro-adoption. Maybe so much so I sometimes think I wished a little too hard. Because International adoption ranges from $20,000- $60,000, we have not considered this (yet). Although free, through domestic adoption we must be willing to adopt an older child (+3yrs) and having either a slight-severe disability, physical or mental. And the process could take up to 2 years.
So, as of today, minutes before I turn 35, if I am to become a mother I am presented with 2 options:
IVF - cost: $10,000-$15,000 with a 50-60% success rate. However, it is quite a speedy process.
or
Domestic Adoption - I miss out on ever experiencing being pregnant, giving birth, breast feeding, seeing our child blossom from birth. But it is free and we are guaranteed a child. A child in desperate need of a loving home.
I have no regrets.
For the first time in my life, the conclusions that I have come to this past year challenges the statement above.
I waited too long to have children. I missed my chance.
But like anything in life, there is no turning back the clock. I have
hit this wall for a reason. I will be a mother. I just have to work a
little harder at it. I never chose the easy route thus far. Why would I
start now?
So back to my original question: 'Is this where I thought I'd be?'
It doesn't matter. It is where I am. Exactly where I should be.
